Defensive Driving

Of the many, many things my defensive driving instructor loudly and articulately told my class you should definitely NOT do while stopped at a red light, a few were unforgettable. He, with his hugely dilated pupils, began with more traditional cautions before delving to depths I never knew existed. Like not moving forward until the light actually turns green. Like not making a left on red. Like not engaging in any kind of Chinese fire drill-like activities. Like not blasting your stereo at a busy intersection. Like not putting your vehicle in park while waiting. Like not blasting your stereo at any intersection because it’s terrible for your ears. Like not texting. Like not taking your eyes off your surroundings. Like not leaving your car unlocked. Like not being oblivious to squad cars in your immediate vicinity. Like not having any illegal drugs or weapons in plain sight. Like not leaving your car for ANY REASON, even if you feel like you might die if you stay in your seat a second longer. Like not looking too paranoid whilst sitting at said traffic signal. Like not anticipating the chance from red to green too much, because the resulting adrenaline rush might result in a crash or a ticket or something worse… Some… thing… much… worse. Like not eating while waiting, no matter how delicious your Whataburger looks or smells as it sits in the passenger seat next to you. Like not succumbing to its greasy siren. Like not glancing over to catch a glimpse of the grease oozing through the bottom of the bag. Like not doing anything that compromises your ability to remain 100% statuesque. Like not not freaking out. Like not freaking out. Like not freaking out. Like not freaking out. Like not looking at other people in the intersection like you little delinquents are looking at each other right now. Like not making a right-on-red from an interior lane even if nobody’s turning from the right lane. Like not forgetting to breathe. Like not thinking too much. Like not forgetting to exhale before attempting another breath. Like not listening to the radio because sometimes ads or songs have siren sound effects in them. Like not worrying about if the oven is on for like one damn second. Like not being fooled into worshiping the red light. Like not not falling prey to its neon majesty only to be betrayed as it vanishes, leaving you broken as horns blare from behind and cars speed around and overtake you. Like not donating to panhandlers, regardless of their personality, cardboard signs, military jackets or lack thereof, gender, race, or otherwise. Like not, in the same vein, accepting any windshield washes… the streaks they leave are teeth-shatteringly appalling. Like not adjusting your seat. Like not focusing entirely on the streak marks left by the panhandler, who attempted to squeegee your windshield despite your protests. Like not dwelling on the fact that your left hand is probably covered in bum germs from when you begrudgingly rolled your window down and handed the squeegeer a fistful of sticky change. Like not forgetting to double check if your doors are locked. Like not forgetting to breathe. Like not breathing fast and shallow, but rather slow and deep. Like not forgetting to roll your window up again, it doesn’t matter how nice it is outside. Like not tailgating the car in front of you by lining up the bottoms of their tires with the hood of your car. Like not making eye contact with your neighboring driver, giving and receiving a slight nod, gunning your respective engines, and exploding in drag race-fashion through the intersection when the light turns green. Like not forgetting, if you do this, to double check for squad cars. Like not becoming, if you do this, hooked on the adrenaline, because boy that wagon’s hard to get off especially if there’s money involved. Like not pulling through a business’ parking lot to avoid the intersection altogether. After that one he just kind of stared at us for a little bit, eye’s like olives, until we all just kind of awkwardly left the class at 4pm

Defensive Driving by Travis Tyler is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.

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